Codependent? aw, hell

Be careful what you ask for.

I undertook a project to do Kala on all the points of the Iron and Pearl pentacles, and their relation to myself.

If I had thought about this in any detail, I might have figured out that this would be a bit larger project than I anticipated. Larger in the sense of wading into a swamp while thinking you are going to be walking through a mud puddle.

Right now I am stuck on Pride. This after having a great deal of difficulty going through Sex/Love. The further I went into that, the stickier it got. Divine intervention came with the Universe/God Herself/Godself practically throwing Melody Beattie’s “Codependent No More” at me, and having the term “codependency” pop up randomly (ha!) on a regular basis. So, I am reading “Codependent No More.”

What I have read definitely seems relevant to me – the part of me that is the anxiety-ridden Fixer, who wants to solve every problem and find a solution to everyone’s painful situation – everyone, that is, but myself. Ouch. There are definitely portions of this book that describe me.

What I am beginning to see is that the issue of codependency has something to do with every point on the pentacles. Codependency affects Sex/Love, Pride/Law, Self/Knowledge, Power/Liberty, and Passion/Wisdom, in a big way. And I see a lot of myself in the descriptions of codependent behavior. A lot more of myself than I would like.

I almost feel like I was pointed directly toward seeing my own codependent behaviors. I don’t necessarily want to stand up and yell “I’m Co-Dependent!” Not yet, I’m not ready for that. But after looking it over, yes, I have codependent behaviors. More than a few. And yes, I am seeing how those behaviors block my relationships with every point on the pentacles.

I am working on not letting this insight overwhelm me or throw me into despair. In working to avoid this, I am finding that a lot of 12-step thinking is helping me. Sayings like “Progress not perfection,” or the chagrin-inducing cliché (which still is very true), “One day at a time,” and statements like that, even though they make me grit my teeth, are helping me remember to put things in proportion and keep out of the morass of feeling overwhelmed, which is pretty easy for me to fall into at times.

I don’t know where this all will lead, but I am trudging ahead, having faith that in doing this I am not just beating myself up – which I don’t want to do – but doing something that will get my Selves more in tune with each other, and that way, coming closer to God Herself. I am over beating myself up, I’m tired of it – but at the same time there are issues that I need to address. I know that.

Anyway, just getting that out there. Like I said, be careful what you ask for.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Codependent? aw, hell

  1. Jenya

    Dawg~I’m glad you wrote this. I’ve been thinking about the direction for my (new) 2nd year Feri class and considering just actually starting over from the beginning again, with deeper focus on each portion. Having worked with your 3 Souls Alignment for a year, how does that change how we talk about it, feel it, understand it? Part of this also touches on spending more time with each point of the IP/PP and how it really is a life-long working, LITERALLY. It should be something you continue to do, you just get some better at it as you go.

    You are obviously a veteran of deep spiritual practice and yet you continue to unveil new revelations about yourself and DO THE WORK.

    This is one of the things I really appreciate about you, that you are not ‘resting on your laurels’ or some such. You reveal yourself and there is nobility there, within the humility. I had one of my students tell me that my willingness to talk about my struggles was inspiring to them, because it made me seem human and approachable. That’s how I feel about you too 🙂

    I hope you are very well and I’ll see ya when Dr. O finishes up that dang teleporter! Powered by the stirred up glass of Sprite!

    • Yes – it really is a life-long work. This is something I am going to write about one day, but someone could really spend most of their time working to align the three souls and clearing the points of the pentacles, and that would be a LOT. I mean, A LOT. I went from zero to initiation by basically doing three things – soul alignment, pentacles and Kala. I never have seen the point of adding all this ceremonial magick and Kabala and ancient druid whatzis and all the other stuff people smear on top of Feri as though it were toast waiting for peanut butter. In my experience, just doing Kala on a regular basis keeps me busy.

      I have struggles all the time. One of my struggles is the struggle to take compliments, so I will say Thank You for all your good words. I really am glad that you get something out of what I write and think about. So, Thank You.

      I am also hopeful that Dr. O. will get that transporter up and running too! Plane fare is expensive… Or, you could take a vacation to New Orleans…

  2. another phrase to remember is “don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.”

    and when you are feeling self-judging, think about where those inner judges came from. they were instilled into you early on, in order to make you safe. but now they are overdoing it. so the thing to do is be really present to and aware of what’s going on, so that you can say “okay, judge, i know you only want to help. and i get the message. now it’s time for you to shut up, thank you very much.”

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