Be careful what you ask for.
I undertook a project to do Kala on all the points of the Iron and Pearl pentacles, and their relation to myself.
If I had thought about this in any detail, I might have figured out that this would be a bit larger project than I anticipated. Larger in the sense of wading into a swamp while thinking you are going to be walking through a mud puddle.
Right now I am stuck on Pride. This after having a great deal of difficulty going through Sex/Love. The further I went into that, the stickier it got. Divine intervention came with the Universe/God Herself/Godself practically throwing Melody Beattie’s “Codependent No More” at me, and having the term “codependency” pop up randomly (ha!) on a regular basis. So, I am reading “Codependent No More.”
What I have read definitely seems relevant to me – the part of me that is the anxiety-ridden Fixer, who wants to solve every problem and find a solution to everyone’s painful situation – everyone, that is, but myself. Ouch. There are definitely portions of this book that describe me.
What I am beginning to see is that the issue of codependency has something to do with every point on the pentacles. Codependency affects Sex/Love, Pride/Law, Self/Knowledge, Power/Liberty, and Passion/Wisdom, in a big way. And I see a lot of myself in the descriptions of codependent behavior. A lot more of myself than I would like.
I almost feel like I was pointed directly toward seeing my own codependent behaviors. I don’t necessarily want to stand up and yell “I’m Co-Dependent!” Not yet, I’m not ready for that. But after looking it over, yes, I have codependent behaviors. More than a few. And yes, I am seeing how those behaviors block my relationships with every point on the pentacles.
I am working on not letting this insight overwhelm me or throw me into despair. In working to avoid this, I am finding that a lot of 12-step thinking is helping me. Sayings like “Progress not perfection,” or the chagrin-inducing cliché (which still is very true), “One day at a time,” and statements like that, even though they make me grit my teeth, are helping me remember to put things in proportion and keep out of the morass of feeling overwhelmed, which is pretty easy for me to fall into at times.
I don’t know where this all will lead, but I am trudging ahead, having faith that in doing this I am not just beating myself up – which I don’t want to do – but doing something that will get my Selves more in tune with each other, and that way, coming closer to God Herself. I am over beating myself up, I’m tired of it – but at the same time there are issues that I need to address. I know that.
Anyway, just getting that out there. Like I said, be careful what you ask for.