Well – my grand project to work Kala on all the points of both the pentacles is on hold, primarily because it brought up a lot of stuff. And I mean, a LOT of stuff. Too much to deal with all at once, to be honest with you. Most of the issues that pop up come back to self-esteem, as in low self-esteem, and fear. The codependency book seems very much more relevant, although I don’t know if I went to all the extremes that some people did, and the reminders from you here about the tools being for Love and not for beating myself up came in very timely.
Because I think that’s what I was doing, I was falling back into an old pattern of trying to exceed. Perfectionism. Perfectionism that was rooted in an idea that i was “not good enough” somehow. This feeling of “not good enough” has dogged me for a while. It’s only recently that I got good at spotting it and heading it off. And I think I almost fell into that trap this time around.
The feeling of being “less-than,” or not-good-enough, is one that has dogged me my whole life. As a result of this feeling, sometimes I overdo things, go farther than anybody should go. As an abreaction, I also get angry and reject whatever it is that is making me feel not-good-enough. And then sometimes, as a result of feeling less-than, I fall into despair and give up. Usually from trying to exceed, in order to prove myself to myself.
Not that it wasn’t a good idea. It was, but too much of any good thing is still too much. What I found is that the idea of self-love, self-esteem, and being aligned are the things to work toward right now. I wouldn’t have found out about this if I hadn’t launched off on the project, and so it was worthwhile, but it was a bumpy ride and still may be for a while here.
This isn’t finished, but it’s stopped for right now. I will talk more on this later.