Completely continuing to blunder forward, because blundering in a forward direction is better than falling over and curling up from fear (yes, I said it – sometimes I have that notion) or tipping over backwards.
Being truthful, it seems that in exploring various things that trouble me (hi Vee) a/k/a navigating the oceans of my soul, I have stumbled into (or sailed into, choose thy metaphor) a twined and intertwined net of resentments!! and anger!! which are not much sparing of anybody. Including self. If I didn’t know that this was a phase that has to be felt through I would be despairing. And I have spent my time doing that, trust me.
The salvific action, or at least the thing that keeps me going, is offering it up to Kali, offering it up to Kali, over and over. At the Kali Puja in February I gave her the offering of my fear, and she accepted it. So every time I fear (and I fear a lot more than you know, dear friends) I offer that up to her. My spell and my prayer is as follows:
May I be free from fear.
May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I dwell in peace.
Of course though this means that I can now see the areas in my life where there is fear, unhappiness, unhealthiness, and conflict. And yet and yet and yet, I offer them up to Her, all to Her. And she takes them from me, but I have to feel them first. And no, this is not easy by any means, and am I whining? I do not know if I am whining. And even if I am, I am allowed to cry out if it hurts.
And this is why I have not been posting or speaking, because really how relevant is this to anything? Again, I don’t know. But I am either vain enough or crazy enough or something to want to let people know how I feel. Regardless of the judgment that may be passed by others, first of all I have to defy the judgment that I pass upon myself. So if I raise my voice and yell and pound things and cry and rage, that is me too, that is all me, it is mine and I own it and I feel it, and it passes through me and something else comes after it. Wave after wave, tide comes in and goes out, rises and falls.
There are other things in my life that I hang on to and work them. I am working very, very hard not to judge myself or berate myself, tell myself I could be doing more of any/everything, and yet set goals to work toward happiness, because even if I do not have it right this minute, it is attainable, and even if it comes and goes, as it will, I will open the door to it so that it may come in more often and linger when it is here, and so I can let it go when it’s time for it to go, so another happiness can come to take its place and shine the bright spots into the corners and leave in its turn to be replaced by another.
The world is what it is, and people are who they are, and I have no control over other people. This I have learned. I have the right to feel but I do not have to let my feelings dictate my life. I untangle, I pick apart that net of resentment!! and anger!! for this first time and if I were to wonder, if a nagging voice in the back of my mind were to say to me ‘why didn’t you do this sooner,’ I will say shush, be still, I was not ready, I am ready now. The curtain is going up now. What was before is not relevant; life is immediate; “all the world is but a play, be thou the joyful player.” – And even in experiencing true sorrow there might be joy because that is real, no more back talk and brain chatter and critical voices amounting to nothing. It is what it is, pure and simple.
This is what I am thinking and doing. This is me, here, now.