rollin and tumblin cried the whole night through

it’s getting hard to separate what’s broken in me from what’s broken in the world around me

and being surrounded with broken people and broken things does not help

cleaning up is what my mind tells me to do but my heart tells me that it’s too big for me to deal with

like the oil spill that I can do absolutely really nothing about, and the connection that it has with oilpolitik and political situations in general

looking at Obama and realizing he does not really represent change and never really did

I was fooled and I was duped – seriously considering just not voting any more because why? it doesn’t count, doesn’t make any difference

the little things that I do – and capable only of little things as we look at it from a realistic perspective – are only tiny things

easily overrun and overruled by people with a lot more money and power than me

likewise in the micro as the macro – what do I do? sure it is said that I help people – I let them in and they leave, I offer help and it is refused when things get difficult they run away back to the consoling needle

in my life I feel unrewarded, almost unrequited back to square one and you would think after all this time – but no the answer being no

the first voice roars in anger, cries in sorrow, word less, word free

second voice says what do you have to offer anyway? what did you ever have? you are fading and you never came into view – accept the meaninglessness

the third voice says is it not time to change at long last? the second voice says change change! oh can it not be the way it was before instead? can we not restore instead of change? renew instead of dismiss?

and I don’t know

I sit in between the one, two, three voices

head spinning, heart hurting, always tired

only this and nothing more

to speak might be to betray someone

so I allude and write siteways and at times simply close my mouth and close myself

distracted I distract myself

and I do not wish to unseemly be pathetic and beg for help – be one of those always needy help me help me monsters who suck away others energy

but at some point I am going to have to acknowledge to someone what I can’t handle and how I can’t handle it any more

when will that day come

and how broken will I be before I announce how many shards I am become

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1 Comment

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One response to “rollin and tumblin cried the whole night through

  1. Meredith

    Hi Happydog–

    I can relate to much of what you write. I do think that you’re living in a dismal situation, what with the oil spill at your front porch and with the pressures of your job. I also think you deserve a break, a vacation. I wish I could give you one. I wish life would give you one.

    You’re a dear, dear person and you deserve better. Please don’t neglect yourself. I know from experience how difficult it is, but neglecting to take care of yourself makes it more difficult to rebound later because it takes longer to get your strength back. (Been there, done that. Have the t-shirt and the commemorative spoon.)

    P.S. I feel pretty much the same about voting. The system’s broke and we’ve been betrayed , so it seems like a waste of time. (At least Bush told us what he was going to do and did it.)

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