Well, of course no one said that transformation was going to be easy, did they? Or pain-free. There used to be advertisements for “painless dentists,” but in the transformation game, the ouch is apparently part of the deal.
Getting fired is naturally preoccupying a lot of my thoughts. I tend to hang on to things a lot longer than I should out of a fear of deprivation, a fear of not-having. In a sense having the job cut off so abruptly (say hello to Kali and her Little Friend) might have been a necessary amputation.
I really hung onto the job way longer than I should have, the more I think about it. I kept telling myself that it was going to get better, that the workload was going to ease off, that it was going to get better. And when it got better, things would work out, things would become normal and regular. I trusted that management knew what they were doing.
The truth is that it wasn’t getting better or easier. The workload was increasing astronomically. The management was unaware of what the job required and the demands of the job. I was operating in a state of burnout that was increasing daily. The management at Egdrab House didn’t know what they were doing. And the ugly part that I’m seeing is that they really didn’t care. I invested about two years of my life in Egdrab House and I end up with…?
The clinical director (as she was firing me) tried to console me by saying that there are a lot of guys who credit me with helping their recovery. My first thought in response to that was most uncharitable: “And look what that got me.”
I admit it was unkind. When I’m in amongst the better angels of my nature, that would mean something, but at that moment I was wounded, mad and heartbroken. I hope they do stay in recovery, but at the same time, what it cost me to help them was too high.
It wasn’t their fault as much as it was Egdrab House’s and the people who are mismanaging it. And expanding out, it’s also partly the responsibility of the people who are making mental health care in Louisiana a complete clusterfuck. But I took the hit.
I mean, maybe that’s not the right way to look at it, or feel about it, but that’s what I feel like. I feel like I took a hit, and really, I don’t know who I took it for. That may be irrational. But that’s how I feel, and I’m not going to be rational for a little bit till I’m ready to be in my right mind again.