engage/disengage

I am doing more magic work than I had been doing recently. I find that when I do work magically to obtain what I thought was one result, a lot more things come to light than I anticipated, and the end result is a deeper engagement with what and who I am “in all my parts.” I find that I thought I was going in one direction, and then suddenly, I realize that I am going in another direction entirely. And this is always because of the magic I am working and the fact that I am opening to the magical self and engaging with Godself and God Herself as well.

Sometimes the rate of change is very fast and sometimes it isn’t. Right now I am feeling suspended in mid-air, not exactly waiting, because after all I am taking action and moving toward something – but what I thought I was moving toward is changing, and I do not know what it is changing into. My direction has changed. The initial derailment was by force, because I would not have disengaged from my former job on my own. It was in me to the extent that I have had three dreams about working with a client – and over-working with a client, as I used to do – doing too much for them, trying to justify myself to myself by “doing good.” I had to give out or someone had to push me out, and I was pushed out before I gave out. To say “It was a blessing in disguise” is overused, but the pace of what I was doing was hurting me physically, a lot. Not just in the area of blood sugar, but mentally as well – a lot of bad mental habits, negative thinking and poor habits spawned by stress. Now there is no need to hurry. I am no longer required to rescue or help anyone. I am not being called on to save anyone or anything. Other than myself. I was working so hard that in so many areas, I have no idea what was going on outside of my job, and now I am finding out. I said to someone this evening, “I had my head so far up Bridge House’s ass that I didn’t pay attention to anything else,” and that, I think, sums it up in a lot of ways.

I was damaged by what I was doing. Not fatally, but I was damaged by others and did some to myself as well. Now is a time for healing. And reorganization. And rebirth, as corny as it may sound. And redirection.

These are the kinds of thoughts that come up from the work I am doing. Something is coming together. I can’t identify what direction I’m going, or what it is. I know what I don’t want. But more importantly, I am looking at what I do want, what I need, what I would like, what gives me real pleasure. Where my place is in the world comes after that now, it’s secondary. I am seeing that I am not “on duty” any more. I don’t know what to do with the absence of  hyper-attentiveness and hyper-awareness.  I realize that it wasn’t good for me and I don’t need it, and there was a big part of me – which was being denied and stuffed down – that did not want it. And does not want it now, to be honest.

This is what magic is all about, is transformation. I keep forgetting that and being reminded of it, on a regular cycle. And I keep being transformed, sometimes by events and sometimes by my own desire, and this is a little of both. What direction am I going? I don’t know. I don’t want to be lazy, but I want to drift, to follow this current, whatever it is. I’m confused, and I continue to be confused, but I am no longer alarmed by my confusion, and I don’t know what to do with that either.

“I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round, I really love to watch them roll/No longer riding on the merry-go-round, I just had to let it go.”

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