Having turned 51, it is difficult not to feel pain sometimes, because I’ve put some wear and tear in on this body, bless it, and I wake up aching sometimes and ache through the day. This is one of those days.
I fight morbid and obsessive thoughts on a regular basis. They are far less frequent than they used to be when I was younger, and I attribute this to both learning the Craft and learning my own mind, and how to employ cognitive-behavioral techniques to divert and distract my mind. But sometimes when I am in discomfort, I start to wonder what I will leave behind when I go. I am not afraid of going; I lost that a long time ago when I read Julius Caesar by Shakespeare.
Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard.
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
For some reason when I read that, all fear of death left me. I cannot explain it. As I grow older I am more of the opinion that death is as it is said in the Book of the Law –
“Aye! feast! rejoice! there is no dread hereafter. There is the dissolution, and eternal ecstasy in the kisses of Nu.”
But I am vain enough where I would not like to be forgotten, where I would like to leave something behind of myself to be seen, a remembrance of where I was. I would like to write something worthwhile that people could read that would help them in their way, in their path. Not help them find their path but something that would be a light along the way. Does that seem too much? Too lofty? Too silly? I do not know.
I was teaching today. Yes, I do teach, and I do teach Feri things, the pentacles, to some people. Not many. But I was talking and then a voice came through me. Or perhaps this is not right. I was speaking, and then the words and the ideas began connecting themselves together in my mind, and I began seeing the concepts that appeared there and explaining them. I lost my ego in this; I cannot explain. It is almost as though it was not me speaking, but it was, because there was no self-consciousness/consciousness of self, just the concepts and the way they appear when they connect, light upon light, as the Sufis say. It’s too hard to explain.
I can tell when it happens because people start looking at me in a certain way. I have no idea what that way is and I have learned that if I pay attention to it I will lose my train of thought, and the concepts will stop dancing with each other and coming into light, so I return to the concepts but it’s hard not to notice. I have to move on or I will come to a stuttering halt. Sometimes they pull out paper and write what I have said, and I do not think about that even more, and return myself to what I see/feel when the concepts all come together. I just keep going until the concepts come fully into the light, and then I can stop.
Sometimes then if they ask me to explain or remember, later, what I have said, I can’t. Or it takes effort to remember what I said because it was one movement, like a dancer’s movement that cannot be isolated fully from the entire dance or it loses meaning, or a movement in a symphony that sounds all right by itself but when brought to the whole means so much more.
When this happens it is a magic working on a very high level and I do not understand it. But people who are there receive something from it. And that is what means the most to me. That may be what I can leave behind for people, somehow, some way. I don’t fully understand any of this myself, I try to do my work in the world and to be joyful, or at the very least happy.
My thoughts are confused here but I wanted to put them down in one place. I know I need to finish my series on the points of the Pearl and that is long overdue. And I will finish it, but I had to talk about this along the way.
I still want to bring light into the world before I leave it. I am not sure how that would sound to someone else, but that is what I want to do.