I’ve had a lot of thoughts going around in my head since the baptism. When you take a vow like, “I will know my own will. I will do my own will. I will rejoice in the will of my God,” it kind of kicks off a lot of thinking, or at least it does with me.
I guess I should just be upfront with some of the things I’ve been thinking since December ’10/Jan ’11 and let the chips fall where they may.
The Feri split was a wound that lingers with me. I felt then, and still feel, like it was stupid and unnecessary. I also feel like it unleashed a torrent of meanness and cruelty that was completely uncalled for, ugly and vicious. I lost friends over it, and there are some people who aren’t speaking with me because of my stance, which was that I was not going to discredit my teacher and disown my friends. The actual reason for the split was complex, and had little or nothing to do with the stated reasons for the split. It still hurts, quite a bit.
I felt then, and I still feel now, that some of it was about people wanting to seize power. It was also, on another level, about people wanting revenge for an action that had to be taken, many years ago. Both factions took advantage of an unconnected, unfortunate situation to provoke a schism.
The pain, for me, came when I was bullied, in public and private, to pick a “side” and to distance myself from my friends, who were no longer considered politically correct because they happened to be known teachers of Feri. I did not want to pick a “side” because I perceived there were no “sides.”
There were people who wanted revenge for an old wound, people who wanted to just stir shit because they love to see people fight, and those who wanted to gain power and prestige from knocking down other people. But mostly, there were people who were hurt and confused and wondering what the hell had happened and was happening to their Tradition. They are the people who honored the memory of Victor and Cora and their teachings. They are the people who were trying really hard to figure out what Victor and Cora might do in this situation, and failing.
That last category was where the majority of Feri was, and, I think, still is in some ways. They just don’t talk about it, because it’s been stuffed down and people are trying to ignore it. Denial is a powerful drug and a great weapon.
I withdrew from the field of battle when it became clear that the battle was more about stirring up shit, pissing people off, and hurting people than about how to protect and grow the tradition. I withdrew when I was attacked, in private e-mails, and on private lists, and in public, by people who I once regarded as my friends and co-religionists, who suddenly turned on me and treated me as though I were a betrayer of the tradition.
I quit the private lists and most of the public ones and withdrew. I set up a bunch of magickal wards to protect myself from the bad juju that some of these jokers were flinging around, and I left.
I won’t lie. I had welcoming arms, literally, waiting for me in the Thelemic community down here. I had been going to Gnostic Mass and socializing with the local OTO since July of 2010, and I found refuge and ease for my heart in that community and in Thelema. And yes, I full well realize that the Thelemic community can be as dreadful as any other community, but I don’t play online with Thelema. I do it in real life, with real people, and that makes the difference.
I am committing myself to attaining the Minerval in OTO. This does not mean that I don’t value and love the Feri tradition. I do. I don’t regret the seven years I spent learning it and I am proud of my initiation, and proud to be an initiate. The tools of Feri are good and strong, and the current of Feri is positive and powerful and right. I love my Feri tribe.
But outside of a small group of people with whom I share love and trust, I realize that the idea of Feri being a family is not accurate, unless you mean a dysfunctional family.
At this point, there are people in the Feri trad who see me as being on the other side of a great divide and who regard me with suspicion. And to be truthful, I don’t know who to trust in the Tradition outside of that group of people I identified above. I would love to be able to learn from others in the Feri tradition, but at this point it appears that there are people who are not going to be speaking to me and not sharing the wisdom they know, simply because I refused to desert the people who have loved and honored me with their trust and their teaching.
That is disheartening, even more so than the feeling of betrayal by former friends or the attacks from people who simply love to be cruel and hurtful.
And that is the reason I have not posted much, nor posted all of what I have been thinking, in my blog or anywhere else in the past six months. I did not wish to be attacked or victimized, or treated contemptuously, again.
I am learning from Thelema. Part of what I have learned already is about my Will and about learning to “strike hard and low, and say to Hell with them, Master!” In other words, the way of a warrior. “Dost thou fail? Art thou sorry? Is fear in thine heart? Where I am these are not.” Strong words, and needful for me. I am no longer willing to remain silent in order to pacify those who deserve no respect from me, since they gave no respect to me. To Hell with them, Master, indeed.
I also feel that what I saw in the Feri split was a great number of people with great magickal power who had absolutely no idea how to control it or use it in any but the crudest manner. Indeed, Feri are passionate people and powerful people, but a great many of them have no focus, no boundaries, and no discipline. This is, I think, why people become carried away, sexually morbid, immature, and become furiously crazy so often in the Feri trad; this power flows through them strongly and they have no idea how to use it or control it, and so they go off like bombs regularly. I have had my moments of going off like a bomb too, I’m not exempt from that.
Thelema offers me discipline and focus. It acknowledges the power and the current, but at the same time it deems that this current must be subservient to Love and most importantly to Will. Therefore the magickian is not simply the crazy person living at the edge of the woods, although there is a place for that. The magickian has means to utilize that desire and that power, focused by Love and executed by Will, to create and contribute in the work of co-creating the Universe.
I have also experienced the ecstatic side of Thelema, and felt that current flowing through me, strong and liberating. I became the Serpent and received the kiss of Nuit. There is a lot for me to think about with that particular incident.
I am not deserting Feri because I love it, and I love my Feri family, small though they may be. But I am still hurt in my heart over many things and I am healing through Thelema, somehow – although many people do not think of Thelema as healing, it is. I am not going anywhere, but I am expanding my circle.
This is where I stand right now. I am constantly evolving. I will stand somewhere else tomorrow, because I am on the move. My universe is growing.
I told the truth here as I saw it. It is my truth. Not necessarily yours. I don’t know everything and so it may not be your truth. It is the truth as I know it. As Sun Ra once said, “History is his-story, it’s not my story. My-story is mystery.” If I am wrong I will accept being wrong and do what I can to fix it, but I will not tolerate bullying or spitefulness over these matters any more. And I no longer wish to sit and brood and mourn over what was. I want to say what has been on my heart and say it in public and be done with it.
If you are my friend, you will accept me as I am. If you are not my friend and you read this and you wish to punish me for my thoughts or attack me for not seeing things the way you do, or if you strive to hurt me in order to protect your version of reality, don’t waste your time.