I have no desire to come off as perfect. I know people who do, inadvertently, and though I appreciate their bright mirror nature, it gets annoying sometimes. Of course, a mirror can be annoying because it shows me my flaws.
My ideal is to be present and come from my center. To be genuinely myself, whatever that is. Of course, being genuinely “myself” indicates that there is a Self. That’s OK. But I hope that I don’t confuse Self with Ego. Anyway, the place I try to come from is a place of openness, and as much as I can interpret it, honesty. I don’t want to shortchange myself, but at the same time I don’t want to let the Ego run wild either. It’s all a balancing act.
I had an interesting experience that was pretty close to no-self. The alarm went off at 5:00 AM one morning last week, as it does in this house, and I was sort of drifting anyway in the sleep/not sleep mode. The alarm is set to NPR. There was a man talking about his wife, who was a munitions expert in Afghanistan. He was in Afghanistan as well. She went out on a mission to disarm an explosive, and died. He described sitting by her bedside and knowing that she was dead a long time before the doctors told him she was. He talked about what he does now, how he misses her, how he still has pride in his memory of her strength and fearlessness.
The no-self that was in that moment listened to those words and, in a sense, absorbed and radiated with what he said. I dislike using the word “I” here, because there was no such thing; there was a no-self hovering in the space in front of those words and feeling the radiation of those emotions come through and be refracted back, love and grief and pride and a feeling of honor toward the spirit of the man who spoke and his wife as well. When the word “honor” entered my head I suddenly fell into self-consciousness, because in order to honor someone, there has to be an “other.” Suddenly I was “self” again and the man was “other.” It was disappointing to have an ego again, in a sense. The ego is not a bad thing – it is necessary in this plane – but I value that no-self experience very much.
In my dreams recently, there have been very many conversations with people, including the Panther Woman mentioned a while back, but with others also. Many of these are intimate conversations discussing – I don’t know what. But they are intimate conversations. There are occasional visits even in the daytime to impart little bits of – something? – wisdom, certainly. I am not sure if I should talk about these or not, because not everything needs to be shared, but I learned a significant truth about myself this way. Under the surface of my mind in the dream state, there is even more going on but my waking mind does not remember. This does not bother me as much as it used to, because I understand that I am communicating on an intimate level with someone who is talking to the Fetch. These conversations with people hold more resonance than a dream alone, the dreams that I have that process information during the day, the mind’s rumination in sleep. These are different. It is now obvious to me that I am talking to someone again in my dreams who is actually there, but on a completely different level of reality.
Jenya recommends the Seth books, which I read long ago in the 80s, and picked up again recently as I was curious how the information had aged or what my level of receptiveness would be like now. I find a great deal in what Roberts/Seth writes that is resonant with both Feri and Thelema, and gives me a lot to think about. Actually that is inaccurate. I do not “think about” it. I try to let the information go into me and germinate. I am intent on experience now, intent on sensation and beingness, in the moment, and seeing what is there as-it-is, and feeling it.
I know that I am tired and should go to bed now. I can feel my tiredness. But I wanted to share this with you, for what it is worth.