In Feri we have a prayer which is as follows:
“Who is the flower above me, and what is the work of this God? I will know myself in all my parts.”
When I was baptized into the Ecclesia Gnostica Catholica, I said, as part of the ceremony:
“I will know my own Will. I will do my own Will. I will rejoice in the Will of my God.”
It seems to me that there is very little difference, if any, in these two statements.
In a little more than a week I will be going away for several days, into the woods, where I haven’t been for a long time, to work with these two oaths. To take up these tools (or these weapons, perhaps) and see what can be built (or, perhaps, destroyed) with them.
I sometimes wonder why I waited so long to do this. I could have done this in my 20s, or my 30s, I think. Then again I think I probably could not have done it. I was not “there” yet, wherever “there” is. Maybe I wasn’t awake enough. I don’t know how to put it exactly.
I am grateful that my energy sometimes leads people to think I am younger than I am, but sometimes I feel older than I am, and wonder if I paid too much for the knowledge I have. Sometimes I wonder if I paid enough, if I am grateful enough, paying back enough.
Sometimes I wonder if either of these questions have any validity in the light of the Work of this God, the Will of this God, which is so much more than I understood when I was younger, and so much more than I understand now.
I do know that when I go into the woods, my intention, my will, is to simply be with these statements, these concepts, and let them sink into me. (I initially typed “sing into me,” which is probably better.) I won’t lie and say that I am not confused at the direction my spirituality is taking. I hope to resolve some of that confusion, or at least come to terms with that confusion and accept it as a Holy Chaos of some kind.
Yes, I haven’t called, I haven’t written, I haven’t communicated. I have let what I do for a living weigh too much upon me and I have let myself get distracted in a lot of ways. And I have distracted myself so I wouldn’t think on that heaviness. But maybe it is time to face it, to take it on, and to see if it is real or if it is illusion. I have a hint that some of it – maybe a lot of it – is illusion.
More than this, I want to catch at least a glimpse of the Flower above me, a hint of the Will of my God, and to rejoice in that. To find that center and substance within myself and to let it expand, to get some vision of
Thou who art I, beyond all I am,
Who hast no nature and no name,
Who art, when all but thou are gone,
Thou, centre and secret of the Sun,
Thou, hidden spring of all things known
And unknown, Thou aloof, alone,
Thou, the true fire within the reed
Brooding and breeding, source and seed
Of life, love, liberty, and light,
Thou beyond speech and beyond sight,
Thee I invoke, my faint fresh fire
Kindling as mine intents aspire.
Thee I invoke, abiding one,
Thee, centre and secret of the Sun,
And that most holy mystery
Of which the vehicle am I.
I hardly know what I am saying here and I do not expect you to know, either, so if it is a mystery to you, rest assured it is a mystery to me, also. All I know is what I feel right now and I will go into the woods to see what it is.