I had a very long erotic dream last night. In it I was a time traveler who had gone back to the 1860s or 1870s, and I had married a much younger woman. It was our wedding night and I was introducing her to sex by giving her our 21st century ideas and concepts about sex. A good bit of the dream was spent on teaching her how to luxuriate in masturbation and bring herself to orgasm, and teaching her through demonstration and words that sex was not only good but desirable, not sinful, not evil or wrong, but natural and divine.
I used to be much more troubled by dreams like this because I have taken care to studiously be a feminist man, to regard women as equals. At the same time I am a Southerner, which means that I was brought up with a certain amount of female worship in my system. Women were to be respected and honored, at least in the house I grew up living in. There was a certain amount of chivalry involved in that as well.
But to get to the point, dreams where I was a dominant male, and particularly being sexually dominant over a woman, used to really disturb me a lot. I didn’t think they were right, and that they put me in the chauvinist pig category.
I don’t think about that so much any more. I think that there are a lot more levels to the male-female dynamic than the moralists, the chauvinists or the hyper-politically correct let us believe or see. There are men who enjoy being dominated by women and women who enjoy being dominated by men, and men who enjoy being dominated by men and women who enjoy being dominated by women, and women who enjoy dominating men who enjoy dominating men, and men who enjoy dominating women who enjoy dominating women while they are being dominated by men who enjoy dominating men, and etc. etc. etc.
I have, over time, come to a place where I am OK with the places my mind goes sexually when I am asleep. Most of my erotic dreams are not outside the boundaries all that much, I find to my combined relief and chagrin. The more I read of other people’s adventures in sex, both in the dreamworld and real life, I realize that I am not really all that kinky or depraved, which makes me laugh. When I was an adolescent and a young adult involved in fundie Christianity, I used to think that I was a pervert or that something was really wrong with me sexually.
As I got away from that it was a relief, and something of a laugh, to find out that I wasn’t at all; that my kinky was other people’s normal, and that my fantasies were shared by lots of people. And not just men, but women as well. It was a relief to find out that women fantasized, that they were not pure as the driven snow but could be as down and dirty as men – even more so sometimes – and that in spite of what I was told when I was young, that they wanted to have sex and luxuriate in it, and that they thought about it just like I did. So if I had a dream about tying a woman up and having sex with her, it was equally true that there was a woman who wanted to be tied up and have someone have sex with her. It wasn’t weird; it was normal.
So when I had the dream about being a sexual initiator for a younger woman back in the 1870s or so, the ghost of shame might try to come back, but is quickly laid to rest by the fact that I can go out into the world of literature and the world online and find a million people fantasizing about that same thing, both male initiators and female initiates (and initiatrixes and initiatees too) dreaming about being led and leading into the jungle of lust by a skilled guide who unleashes the gorgeous daimon within.
We are free to do as we will, as long as it harms no one, in bed or out of bed. That frightens some people who are afraid of their own sexuality. I know it does, because honestly, I used to be frightened of my own sexuality. There are a lot of reasons for that, but I am glad that fear has mostly fallen away. Even at this point in my life, I am learning about my desires and what I desire, and seeing those desires as acceptable, and good. That continuing act of liberation is something that I revel in and that I am thankful for.